I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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