Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
