I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
