So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
