i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
