I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the condom got lost in my hair
i think i have herpe
just one?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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