The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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