I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
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I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
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I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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