Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
