as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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