can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
