Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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