oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
