Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
