He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
