a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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