Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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