i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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