The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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