last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
