So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
