Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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