Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize