I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
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she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
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He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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