Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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