i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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