Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
