I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I need moral support for this bender
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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