my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
