YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
