Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
