My boss' voice literally gives me gas
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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