Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
