i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
