She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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