the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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