just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Every concussion has its silver lining
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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