He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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