i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
