There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
