Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
