We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
