Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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