Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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