I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
