First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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