dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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