Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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