wat bout pragnant strippers??
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
