He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
