I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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