On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
