The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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