I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
