Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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