The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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