He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
i now understand why vodka
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
